Is Feeld for normies now?
Reading Time: 7 minutesVanilla daters have discovered the kinky app for non-monogamous people. What does this mean for its users?
‘Hinge, Tinder…and Feeld.’ That’s the answer I’ve heard again and again from my single friends when I ask what dating apps they’re on — and it’s surprising. Has Feeld, the dating app where you can toggle between Shibari enthusiasts, a polycule looking to add a fourth or fifth, and a Burner well-versed in Tantric sex, become the new dating app du jour?
I joined Feeld in 2017, when it was a far smaller and more self-selecting community. As someone seeking casual sex with people who were comfortable talking about it, the app was a godsend. I told all my friends about it, but most recoiled as soon as I said ‘kinky,’ so I’d accepted it as an ‘if you know you know‘ app; a place where, as Tinashe sings, I could find someone to match my freak.
In the past few years, the app’s public profile has risen — from articles in The New Yorker and the New York Times to TikTokkers singing its praises. And since 2022, Feeld has seen an average user growth of 30 percent each year according to Fast Company, and confirmed by a spokesperson for the app. Today, in-between hearing my friends gush about Feeld and swiping past frat boy look-alikes claiming they’re ‘on here to see what it’s all about hahah,’ it seems that Feeld has gone from niche to mainstream. This may have less to do with more people exploring non-monogamy or kinks, and more to do with being fed up with traditional dating apps. With vanilla people infiltrating Feeld, there’s a concern that new users are on there not for sexual exploration — but to find an easy hookup.
Feeld was a breath of fresh air
Emily, 28, who asked to go by her first name for privacy reasons, joined in March 2023. She was interested in exploring kink, but mostly, she was getting tired of the ‘vanilla and boring’ guys she met on Hinge, who were bad in bed and flaky communicators. Feeld was a breath of fresh air. The men on the app weren’t just kinky — they were honest, communicative, and kind.
‘It was so refreshing to [talk] with people in a way that was sexual, but not transactional…it was based in understanding and respect and communication,’ Emily said. There was no expectation of sex when she went on dates with men from Feeld, but if they did decide to sleep together, the sex was great.
The experience was transformative for Emily. After so many bad dates, she’d accepted that every man had internalized toxic masculinity that they couldn’t shake. But Feeld actually healed her relationship with men. She said, ‘Feeld showed me that there are men out there who can exist in a way that is fully rooted in equity and respect.’
Lena, 28, who asked to go by a pseudonym, found Feeld to be a welcome break from other dating apps, too. Lena’s ex-boyfriend hadn’t been comfortable discussing sex with her, and after they broke up, she was set on finding that quality in a partner. Everyone she spoke to on Feeld was ‘super straightforward and communicative…and I think them being super open made it easier for me to be open.’ She liked how her Feeld matches would ask what she was looking for within the first few messages. It cleared up expectations from the get-go. This was a shift from Hinge, where those conversations happened on the first or second date. Her Feeld matches were also way more responsive in messaging, whereas on Hinge, the conversation often stalled out.
It’s obvious from online discourse that dating is not going well right now: People, primarily women, are complaining that men are noncommittal, dates feel transactional, and sex is disappointing. So hearing about Lena and Emily’s experiences, it makes sense why so many women are drawn to this app — a place where expectations are clear, people are honest, and sex is good. It’s the same reason why I got on Feeld so long ago. I wanted sex — good sex, sex with people who were comfortable saying what they wanted, who were curious about what I was into, who understood consent, and valued comfort and communication above all else.
There’s nothing objectively kinky about that desire. People should be able to have those conversations on ‘vanilla’ dating apps, but that’s not the case. Sam Cat, a queer and polyamorous sex educator said, ‘I don’t know if a mainstream audience is looking for that level of sexual openness by default.’ (Disclosure: Sam Cat created content for Feeld previously.)
‘I think everybody should do this work, but it is a lot of work,’ Cat said, referring to the work of dismantling the ideas around compulsory monogamy and sexual shame. ‘And for a lot of people, if you’re not looking for an alternative form of relationship, there’s not a huge incentive to do that work. I [understand] wanting to bring a sex positive kind of openness to a mainstream dating app, but it really comes from the users, not necessarily from the app itself.’
And that’s the issue hitting Feeld right now.
Judgments and assumptions hit Feeld
A crop of new Feeld users are misinformed about the nature of the app, and are bringing their misogyny and sexual judgments with them. A few months ago, I matched with a guy who pestered me with questions about non-monogamy (my partner and I are open and our profiles are linked on the app). At first, they were sure my boyfriend would ‘beat them up’ if we ever met. Then they decided my boyfriend had to be a cuck, right? I didn’t want to engage with someone who was so ill-informed and closed off to ideas around non-monogamy, so I stopped responding. Then he called me a ‘pretentious c***.’
I’d expect this behavior from someone on Hinge, or Bumble, but not on Feeld. This app was designed for users like me. And it was now being infiltrated by the same judgments I’d sought to escape. Why was someone like that even on Feeld?
A representative from Feeld told me that ’55 to 60 percent of new Members share that they are into kink, enm [ethical non-monogamy], poly, threesomes, etc.’ According to Feeld’s own research with Kinsey Institute fellow Dr. Justin Lehmiller, however, younger people are actually fantasizing about monogamy (81 percent of Gen Z have, while 44 percent do so often). Still, despite this romanticizing of traditional relationship styles, Gen Z seems to be pretty kinky, too: 56 percent of Gen Z reported having BDSM fantasies, while 55 percent of Gen Z Feeld users said they discovered a new kink since getting on the app.
Regardless of the fantasy, Feeld is a place where many people, like the women I spoke to, can be open and honest about sex. But somehow, in-between expressing how much they love the honesty and communication on the app, the message has been distorted. To some, the takeaway isn’t that Feeld is a place for open-minded individuals curious about kink or polyamory — it’s the spot to find a quick one-night stand. Emily told a male friend she was on the app, and he said, ‘That’s the really easy hookup app for horny people, right?’
Eli, 29, who also asked to go by a different name, is on the app to explore kinks and non-monogamy. But when he tells his friends about Feeld, he can see that they don’t quite get the memo. ‘Their ears perk up…[and] I definitely think a few of them had the intention to [use the app to] easily sleep with people.’
It’s not hard to spot users who think like this. They’re mostly straight cis men who wouldn’t look out of place in a frat house. They don’t have any bio, and their only listed desires are: ‘fun’ ‘casual’ ‘fwb’ (friends with benefits) and ‘ffm’ (female-female-male threesome). (How kinky! A threesome with one straight guy and two women!)
But perhaps most worrying is the sexual expectations they bring. Emily matched with a guy on Feeld who was more vanilla than her usual type, but she enjoyed chatting with him, so they set up a date. Immediately after making plans, he pressured her for nudes. She said no and he continued to press, and once she finally told him, ‘No means no,’ he replied, ‘Well, why are you even on this app?’ Emily told me, with many of these users, ‘There’s this expectation that, ‘You better f*** me tonight because, the fact that we matched on this app, to me, is like a blanket consent agreement.”
The male entitlement that many women had tried to escape by downloading Feeld has now infiltrated the app. I’ve always valued my matches on Feeld more than those on any other app, and I was far more likely to talk to a Feeld match. Being on Feeld had been a sign that a person was open-minded, sexually comfortable, and respectful. I trusted that we had more aligned values. But with this influx of new users, being on the app isn’t the same vote of confidence it once was.
Keeping Feeld kinky and open
When asked to comment generally for this article, Feeld’s global head of communications Ashley Dos Santos said, ‘We’re very thoughtful about how we grow the platform to educate our Members about our Safety and Community guidelines, which we evolve regularly based on their feedback. This approach empowers our community to navigate their unique journeys of self discovery with a level of honesty and transparency that’s hard to find elsewhere.’
I want Feeld to remain a place where people can discover more about themselves, sexually. I want it to be a space for people who are open-minded and communicative. But I also need new users to understand who the app is for, and to respect the ethos of it before downloading it.
I asked Cat if they had any advice for new users entering this space. ‘I don’t know that there’s any way around the awkwardness of being a beginner, [but] as long as you have humility and willingness to learn alongside people who’ve been doing it, rather than bringing the entitlement and unpacked assumptions,’ it’ll be okay.
Cat has several books they recommend, including Polysecure and The Ethical Slut. They admitted, however, that even though ‘upfront education is helpful so you have a little bit of perspective into the world…unfortunately, some of it is going to be trial and error.’
Feeld still has the power to be a transformative place. Emily knows her life wouldn’t be the same if she hadn’t joined Feeld. It was through the app that she connected with a sex-positive offline community, and had her first experience with a woman. Since then, she’s been dating women consistently. ‘Without Feeld, I’d still be saying I’m the straightest person alive.’
This column reflects the opinion of the author.
Reference: https://mashable.com/article/is-feeld-for-normies-vanilla-people-now
Ref: mashable
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